Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
