she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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