I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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