A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
