"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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