Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
