I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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