if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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