i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Randomize
