I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
