You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dicks are not precious.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
