My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
