Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
