So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
