Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
