some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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