Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize