If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
