I just threw up on my dentist
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
