Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
