The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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