so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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