he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
