I think I won the penis lottery.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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