Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize