I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
