Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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