just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
