Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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