I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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