Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
