Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
