When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
