hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
