Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
