Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We're too hungover to prance.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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