when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
