I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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