So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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