Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
