So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
drinking out of a sandbucket again
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
