True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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