I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize