Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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