Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
