There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
