Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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