Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my sisters under your porch take her home
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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