Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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