I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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