Your face is a jimmy john
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize