You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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