so that wasnt chicken after all
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
