It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
