just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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