I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
