so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
