Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
