I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
