Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
