He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
